From my heart to yours

Archive for November 2010

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend a couple of weeks ago. We talked about whether we would rather tell a close friend that we had intimate feelings for them or not. Would we be willing to risk losing the friendship because we confided our feelings to them or do we just suffer silently as they talk about other love interests and go on not knowing how we really feel.

This is a tough one for me. I  lost a close friend because of a situation like this. We were friends, in fact, he was my closest guy friend. I told him I had feelings for him. At the time he didn’t have feelings for me, but it was out on the table. Eventually we went out on a couple of dates. But the problem was that we were both too immature in our own ways. He needed the approval of his friends, at my expense. Whether this meant makin fun of me, not standin up for me or lyin on his dick to make himself  look good (why do guys do this? Do they honestly think we won’t find out or care?) I needed to be loved and cared for at his expense (daddy issues made me a very needy girl and when I didn’t get what I needed I took it out on him). But when it was all said and done and we realized that “we” wouldn’t work that was it. And so I lost my friend. The same friend who I used to talk to for hours at a time. The same friend whose mom loves me and whose family I adore. The same friend who I don’t even think I can consider an acquaintance at this point. The only time we talk is when we randomly (and very rarely) find ourselves in the same place.

So what is one to do? Do you tell your friend that you have feelings for them. Then hope that they don’t completely weird out and put a strain on your friendship if they don’t feel the same way. Or maybe they are willing to try the relationship but it turns it that maybe you aren’t as good together as you thought you would be and things end badly. But it could turn out that they were harboring the same feelings and were also worried about your response. Perhaps you could end up bein soul mates and spending the rest of your lives together in your perfect little house with 2 kids, a dog, a cat and a white pocket fence (or whatever your ideal may be).

I think the point here is that anything can happen. That’s the beauty of life: we live each day as explorers in a world of unknowns. All we can do is evaluate and make the best decisions for us. Maybe the best decision for you is to not say anything and spend life wonderin “what if?”. Maybe the best decision is layin it all out on the table. Maybe it involves analyzing the value of your friendship. Maybe it’s about learnin to read your friend to see if maybe he/she feels the same way. Maybe it’s about discovering things about yourself and your willingness to take risks.
I took a risk and lost a friend, but it is not a decision that I regret because in losing him as a friend I learned a lot about myself. And while I miss having him as a friend, I don’t miss the low self esteem that consumed me before. That decision worked for me. I’d like to think that my friendships could stand this situation. I’d also like to think that the decision to confide in your friend is the best decision a person can make. I’d like to believe that you build these relationships with people and that they don’t fall apart because of changed feelings. Chances are that any decision will work for you, but would it be so bad to take a risk? I will say that I may have feelins for a friend. And I haven’t said anything. And that decision has been workin for me. At least for now, maybe one day i’ll think that the timing is right and then who knows what could happen.

Thoughts…

I’ve been thinkin about this post for a while. Whether I really want to post it, share these thoughts with you all. This to me is an embarrassin post. I can talk about bein suicidal and depressed, about havin hated myself. But I have an extremely hard time talkin about my weight and how it affects me. Now I don’t want to lose you here, don’t worry, this post is not about how I got to be fat or how I hate skinny girls. So I ask you to read on…

I have struggled with my weight for pretty much for whole life. The only time that I was at a normal weight was in 7th grade, when I lost 25 pounds and had my growth spurt (if you can call goin from 4’9’’ to 5’1’’ a growth spurt, lol). That normal weight was based on that cursed chart that every doctor has. Honestly though, I’d say my weight was normal for me up through the 10th grade. But I digress, let me get back to the point of this post.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to deal with the weight issue better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way content with my weight, and am tryin to lose it, but it doesn’t rule my life. I’m not like a lot of fat women who are miserable and hate themselves, avoid mirrors and feel that everyone is lookin at/makin fun of them. No, I’ve gotten a grasp on reality and know that my weight doesn’t define or control me. But there is one area where I feel that it has: my relationships (or lack thereof) with men. I’ve never had a real relationship (the closest was in high school, and that didn’t work because we were both far too immature for anything real to happen). I attribute my lack of a love life to my weight. My cousin (who has also struggled with her weight for most of her life) disagrees with me. She feels and has found that she is still able to have relationships and intimacy with men regardless of her size. Now I think there are two important differences between the men she deals with and the ones I deal with:

  1. Many of the men she deals with are not American. Think Phat Girlz (a la Monique, 2006).
  2. The men she deals with are in their mid 30s to mid 40s.

She doesn’t see why this matters. I think it does. The general American standard of beauty is not the fat woman. And I feel that older men often have different agendas (marriage or relationship vs. just sex) and a better grasp on reality (understanding that the “perfect” woman doesn’t exist) than younger men. But hey, I could be wrong, it could just be me.

I want to share the conversation that sparked this post with y’all. A man who I recently found myself “talkin to” and I were on the phone. We had already established that his intentions were mostly sexual and this was not what I wanted and that there was not gonna be any sex bein had between the two of us. That’s when he said somethin along the lines of:

Well initially I was attracted to your size. Because, well I wouldn’t use the word “fantasy” because that’s not what it is, but I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to have a woman your size in my bed.

*insert confused face here* um, excuse me sir, I don’t think I heard you correctly, can you repeat that please? (I did in fact make him repeat himself, as he is not American and I thought, well I hoped that I misunderstood his accent) You mean that you only showed interest in me because you have some weird fantasy about sleepin with a fat girl?! Now I’ll say it again, I don’t obsess over my weight and I don’t let it control my life, but to say that his statement knocked me down a few rungs on the confidence level would be an understatement.

I mean, I’m a cute girl!! Nice smile, great personality, a good person. And it turns out that he was comin into my office not because of those things, but because I’m fat!

Which leads me to ask is this all that I will ever be seen as by men as I long as I’m fat? A weird fantasy? Will I ever be able to accept that a man may want to get to know me without questioning his intentions? This conversation has essentially furthered my inability to take any advances from a guy seriously.I mean are there really any men out there who can seriously look at a fat girl and see more than just her weight? Perhaps. But I feel that I have yet to meet one. So now I have to begin to re-evaluate my insecurities and refocus my weight loss efforts. Because lets face it, I’m never gonna be able to take a man seriously as long as I’m still fat, especially not now.

And honestly folks, if you by chance have some weird fantasy, it may not be in your best interest to share it with the person in your first conversation.

Thoughts and comments?

(p.s. I know a lot of people don’t feel comfortable when their friends/family use the word “fat” to describe themselves. I plan to explain why I use it in a later post)