From my heart to yours

The fat girl of his dreams

Posted on: November 6, 2010

I’ve been thinkin about this post for a while. Whether I really want to post it, share these thoughts with you all. This to me is an embarrassin post. I can talk about bein suicidal and depressed, about havin hated myself. But I have an extremely hard time talkin about my weight and how it affects me. Now I don’t want to lose you here, don’t worry, this post is not about how I got to be fat or how I hate skinny girls. So I ask you to read on…

I have struggled with my weight for pretty much for whole life. The only time that I was at a normal weight was in 7th grade, when I lost 25 pounds and had my growth spurt (if you can call goin from 4’9’’ to 5’1’’ a growth spurt, lol). That normal weight was based on that cursed chart that every doctor has. Honestly though, I’d say my weight was normal for me up through the 10th grade. But I digress, let me get back to the point of this post.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to deal with the weight issue better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way content with my weight, and am tryin to lose it, but it doesn’t rule my life. I’m not like a lot of fat women who are miserable and hate themselves, avoid mirrors and feel that everyone is lookin at/makin fun of them. No, I’ve gotten a grasp on reality and know that my weight doesn’t define or control me. But there is one area where I feel that it has: my relationships (or lack thereof) with men. I’ve never had a real relationship (the closest was in high school, and that didn’t work because we were both far too immature for anything real to happen). I attribute my lack of a love life to my weight. My cousin (who has also struggled with her weight for most of her life) disagrees with me. She feels and has found that she is still able to have relationships and intimacy with men regardless of her size. Now I think there are two important differences between the men she deals with and the ones I deal with:

  1. Many of the men she deals with are not American. Think Phat Girlz (a la Monique, 2006).
  2. The men she deals with are in their mid 30s to mid 40s.

She doesn’t see why this matters. I think it does. The general American standard of beauty is not the fat woman. And I feel that older men often have different agendas (marriage or relationship vs. just sex) and a better grasp on reality (understanding that the “perfect” woman doesn’t exist) than younger men. But hey, I could be wrong, it could just be me.

I want to share the conversation that sparked this post with y’all. A man who I recently found myself “talkin to” and I were on the phone. We had already established that his intentions were mostly sexual and this was not what I wanted and that there was not gonna be any sex bein had between the two of us. That’s when he said somethin along the lines of:

Well initially I was attracted to your size. Because, well I wouldn’t use the word “fantasy” because that’s not what it is, but I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to have a woman your size in my bed.

*insert confused face here* um, excuse me sir, I don’t think I heard you correctly, can you repeat that please? (I did in fact make him repeat himself, as he is not American and I thought, well I hoped that I misunderstood his accent) You mean that you only showed interest in me because you have some weird fantasy about sleepin with a fat girl?! Now I’ll say it again, I don’t obsess over my weight and I don’t let it control my life, but to say that his statement knocked me down a few rungs on the confidence level would be an understatement.

I mean, I’m a cute girl!! Nice smile, great personality, a good person. And it turns out that he was comin into my office not because of those things, but because I’m fat!

Which leads me to ask is this all that I will ever be seen as by men as I long as I’m fat? A weird fantasy? Will I ever be able to accept that a man may want to get to know me without questioning his intentions? This conversation has essentially furthered my inability to take any advances from a guy seriously.I mean are there really any men out there who can seriously look at a fat girl and see more than just her weight? Perhaps. But I feel that I have yet to meet one. So now I have to begin to re-evaluate my insecurities and refocus my weight loss efforts. Because lets face it, I’m never gonna be able to take a man seriously as long as I’m still fat, especially not now.

And honestly folks, if you by chance have some weird fantasy, it may not be in your best interest to share it with the person in your first conversation.

Thoughts and comments?

(p.s. I know a lot of people don’t feel comfortable when their friends/family use the word “fat” to describe themselves. I plan to explain why I use it in a later post)

 

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2 Responses to "The fat girl of his dreams"

Heavy.

The line that sticks out to me in all of this is ” I will never be able to take a man seriously as long as I’m fat”

I think initially, no matter what you look like, people are attracted to other people based on their superficial attractions. No one is attracted to your mind from the gate, because more than less likely they haven’t even heard you speak. That’s where you can find the bull…if you are looking for it. The ability to develop a relationship/attraction based on the character of a person comes from conversations with the person. I don’t think it means you can’t trust the initial attraction..but I DO think it is a problem if the attraction never develops beyond physical. More than less likely the other party is not looking to know anything about you beyond that.

As I have said before, I think you get what you put out. Not being able to be in a serious relationship because of size is like someone saying I cant’ be in a relationship because people are intimidated by my success. I believe that happens when someone carries that ideology into a relationship, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. If you want to lose weight…I’m all for it, as long as you do it for you and not for how you think it will increase your appeal to the unfair sex. *If women are fair..someone has to be unfair…right?* I think re-evaluating your insecurities is going to be the thing that has the biggest impact.

Oh, and I do think you have to save your fantasies until you actually KNOW the person/that they might be receptive.

I definitely gonna try to work on my insecurities cause I think that’s the best step I can take. And no worries I’m losin weight for me, not for anyone else!

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