From my heart to yours

Friends, lovers, or nothin at all

Posted on: November 17, 2010

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend a couple of weeks ago. We talked about whether we would rather tell a close friend that we had intimate feelings for them or not. Would we be willing to risk losing the friendship because we confided our feelings to them or do we just suffer silently as they talk about other love interests and go on not knowing how we really feel.

This is a tough one for me. I  lost a close friend because of a situation like this. We were friends, in fact, he was my closest guy friend. I told him I had feelings for him. At the time he didn’t have feelings for me, but it was out on the table. Eventually we went out on a couple of dates. But the problem was that we were both too immature in our own ways. He needed the approval of his friends, at my expense. Whether this meant makin fun of me, not standin up for me or lyin on his dick to make himself  look good (why do guys do this? Do they honestly think we won’t find out or care?) I needed to be loved and cared for at his expense (daddy issues made me a very needy girl and when I didn’t get what I needed I took it out on him). But when it was all said and done and we realized that “we” wouldn’t work that was it. And so I lost my friend. The same friend who I used to talk to for hours at a time. The same friend whose mom loves me and whose family I adore. The same friend who I don’t even think I can consider an acquaintance at this point. The only time we talk is when we randomly (and very rarely) find ourselves in the same place.

So what is one to do? Do you tell your friend that you have feelings for them. Then hope that they don’t completely weird out and put a strain on your friendship if they don’t feel the same way. Or maybe they are willing to try the relationship but it turns it that maybe you aren’t as good together as you thought you would be and things end badly. But it could turn out that they were harboring the same feelings and were also worried about your response. Perhaps you could end up bein soul mates and spending the rest of your lives together in your perfect little house with 2 kids, a dog, a cat and a white pocket fence (or whatever your ideal may be).

I think the point here is that anything can happen. That’s the beauty of life: we live each day as explorers in a world of unknowns. All we can do is evaluate and make the best decisions for us. Maybe the best decision for you is to not say anything and spend life wonderin “what if?”. Maybe the best decision is layin it all out on the table. Maybe it involves analyzing the value of your friendship. Maybe it’s about learnin to read your friend to see if maybe he/she feels the same way. Maybe it’s about discovering things about yourself and your willingness to take risks.
I took a risk and lost a friend, but it is not a decision that I regret because in losing him as a friend I learned a lot about myself. And while I miss having him as a friend, I don’t miss the low self esteem that consumed me before. That decision worked for me. I’d like to think that my friendships could stand this situation. I’d also like to think that the decision to confide in your friend is the best decision a person can make. I’d like to believe that you build these relationships with people and that they don’t fall apart because of changed feelings. Chances are that any decision will work for you, but would it be so bad to take a risk? I will say that I may have feelins for a friend. And I haven’t said anything. And that decision has been workin for me. At least for now, maybe one day i’ll think that the timing is right and then who knows what could happen.

Thoughts…

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