From my heart to yours

Archive for December 2010

I think I’m a little overdue for a post, but I haven’t really felt the need to write about anything…until yesterday that is. I had a convo with my older cousin yesterday that gave me some inspiration. It went a little somethin like this:

Cuzzo: I wish I was pretty.

Me: What? What makes you think that you aren’t?

Cuzzo: Because I don’t feel pretty.

Me: Well that’s your own fault! (Now let me interject by sayin that yes, I tend to be very blunt at times. I am workin on finessing the art of not havin to constantly put my foot in my mouth! Ok back to the convo…)

Cuzzo: Really ____? You are so mean to me!

Me: Well it’s true. If you constantly put yourself down and make yourself feel unpretty (or ugly if you want an actual word) then that is your own doing. Don’t get mad at me because I’m bein honest with you.

Cuzzo: Well how do I change the way I feel about myself? Teach me how to feel more confident.

Me: Uh…*Ma’am are you serious? Get your shit together! I can’t teach you to love yourself!*

Now I’m gonna end the convo there, but I will tell you that it continues on and she resolves that maybe she should go to counseling and that I don’t love her because I’m mean to her and so on and so forth.

I guess I should tell y’all a little about my cousin. Like me, she’s a fat girl. Unlike me, she lets bein fat run her life. I’m talkin extremes here: She won’t walk through the mall unless I force her because she is constantly worried about people lookin at/makin fun of her. She obsesses when we go out to eat, sayin things like “Look ____, all the skinny girls are eating salads. And my fat ass is eating this.”  I’ve seen her drive to the other side of a gas station to avoid standing at a pump next to a guy. And the worst thing, in my opinion: she equates beauty (and therefore, confidence) with thinness. This is sad to me because she is beautiful! I mean gorgeous! She has a great shape, you know that coca-cola bottle shape. And to top that off she has a great face. Beautiful skin, great hair. I’m just sayin, she’s a great lookin gal, but she doesn’t see that because all she sees is her size.

And so my beautiful cousin looks to me to help her find confidence in herself. She doesn’t understand that I don’t have the answers myself. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m ADORABLE and I’m FABULOUS, you can’t tell me otherwise. But that’s not to say that I don’t have moments where I feel less confident in my abilities. I think everyone has these moments, I mean even cockiness is based in hiding some insecurity, right? But I don’t think confidence should be based only on looks. I think it’s a combination of things. Even though physically I might not be completely happy with where I am, I refuse to believe that is all that should make me feel good about myself. But even as I’m writing this, I can’t articulate what it is that makes me feel confident. Nor can I say how I went from bein a girl who couldn’t look in mirrors and who based my entire self-worth on the number of guys who did double takes when I walked past them to bein a girl who can say I’m fabulous and actually BELIEVE it.

Shortly after the aforementioned conversation one of my friends posted this on twitter: “You can’t teach someone to be confident”. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that, I’m sure it won’t be the last either. But it summed up everything that I was thinkin. All I could say to her was “uh…” because there was no way for me to answer her. There is no way to understand what makes someone confident. I mean look at T.I., Lil Wayne, Ne-yo. None of them are particularly good lookin guys, but we always praise them for their, dare I say it, “swagger”. (Again, I must interject. I personally am sick and tired of this word and apologize for using it in this post. Nonetheless, I feel that it is the most fitting word of choice.) They walk around like they are the best thing since sliced bread, the shit and whatever other cliche sayin you can think of. Bottom line is, their confidence is on point and I’m willin to bet no one “taught” them to carry themselves that way.

So I guess what I’ve concluded by writing this is that you have to make your own definition of confidence. You have to make yourself realize your own worth. And you can’t rely on others to tell you or show you how to be confident because no one else is like you. Now I just have to convey this to her.




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