From my heart to yours

Archive for January 2011

I’ve been sittin on this for a while! I didn’t know if I really wanted to talk about this or I guess HOW I wanted to talk about it. But I finally got something down. I’m not sure that I’m in love with it, so I might make some edits to it later.

So who is THAT girl, you ask. Well we all know her, she is the girl who didn’t get enough (or good attention) from daddy and therefore seeks attention from any man she can get it from. I mean lets be honest, many girls who spent the better portion of their lives sleeping around or dealing with no good men just for the sake of having a man, had a bad relationship with their father. And it makes sense, those of us who have daddy issues don’t learn the things that those girls who have good fathers (or father figures) in their lives did. We don’t learn what a good man is. We don’t have the example of how we should expect to be treated by a good man. We don’t get the attention that we should. We are never “daddy’s princess” or “daddy’s little girl”. We don’t get doted on when we get dressed up for our first formal dance or have our dad there to threaten our first date (although I’m sure that some of you girls hated this the first time it happened, in hindsight I’m willin to bet you are thankful for having a daddy who cared). I could continue on, but I’m sure you are starting to get the point. Those of us who didn’t get the desired attention from our daddy’s can end up being pretty screwed up.

I guess it's like that for some of us :-/


I was like that (and by “that” I don’t mean the picture)  when I was younger. Starting in 7th grade up through let’s say 10th grade I sought all my attention from guys. Walkin through the mall, at basketball games, the movies, it didn’t matter, all I cared about was how many guys looked at me and more importantly how many tried to talk to me. If I felt like guys didn’t notice me, then I felt worthless and ugly. I fed off of the attention of guys and it controlled my personal happiness. Now what I can say, is that gaining a shit ton of weight does have it’s advantages (yea, I know it sounds crazy…bear with me!) You see, when you get to be fat, you stop getting so much attention from the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever floats your boat). Since I wasn’t gettin the attention that I so desperately sought from boys, I had to start finding other ways to build my self esteem. This forced me to to really examine the things that I like about myself, giving you the much more well adjusted lady that I am today. Now I’m not saying that gettin fat is the best way to deal with daddy issues, but I am saying that bein forced to give yourself the attention that you need helps.

I suddenly found myself thrown back into a state of needy frenzy a few weekends ago. It started with a salsa dance/lesson at the club from my very own sexy Puerto Rican (as he shall be known for the rest of this post). As the song went off and the music changed he said he would be back when salsa came back on and to my surprise he stuck to his word. Unfortunately, the music changed right as he got me, but we still managed to get a dance in and then several dances up until 4:30am when the club closed. After spending the beginning of the night watchin my friend get tons of attention from a slew of guys, it was refreshing to have attention of my own. So I slowly felt the craziness come back. I felt some type of way when my sexy Puerto Rican danced 1 song with my friend. I found myself lookin for him high and low when he said “I’ll be right back.” And when he asked me for my number so that he could text me the next day, I said “Are you really gonna text me?” I was desperate for his attention, I needed it to make myself feel good after not feeling so great earlier on in the night. And did he text me the next day? Absolutely not! And deep down I knew he wouldn’t, but of course that didn’t stop me from puttin myself down all day. Because, just like that, my source of attention was gone back to New York where he was visiting from.

I noticed recently that when I don’t get the attention I want from a guy that I like, I get a little crazy. I mean, I guess it’s not a recent development. My craziness contributed to the rollercoaster ride that was my “relationship” in high school. I also know that I completely blew an incident out of proportion when after spending some time with a guy, I felt like he didn’t pay enough attention to me. After a long convo with my cuzzo, she simply looked at me and said “I don’t understand what the problem is ____! You sound crazy!” And I realized that she was kinda right.

yea it be like that sometimes

I am a firm believer in not playin the victim, so I don’t blame this on my father. After a certain age, that exscuse isn’t cute anymore. I’m an adult, who is responsible for my own actions, including kissing a random guy visiting from New York. I could blame it on my daddy leaving when I was 3. I could blame on the a-a-a-a-alcohal (in my best Jamie Foxx voice). But really the only thing I can blame it on is my own self-esteem issues. I know that some girls would have gone a lot further than kissing, personally I think that was out of character enough for me. I can thank having the mom that I did have for that. I wasn’t in a position to whore around when I was growing up. If my mom hadn’t been as strict I probably would have been one of  those girls that we all know too well.

So in my usual resolve, here’s what I have concluded from writing this post. First, it is certainly ok to desire attention from those you are attracted to, as long as that attention isn’t the only source of positive self esteem. Second, I shouldn’t let any man (father included) have so much control of my self-worth that I lose sight of myself and my sanity. Lastly, the father of my kids ain’t goin nowhere, because I don’t want my kids to have daddy issues cause they are the opposite of a good time.

But one of the most important things I’ve realized growing up is that little boys aren’t the only ones who need strong male role models. Us little girls need them too.



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