From my heart to yours

Archive for June 2011

Apparently @booboonothefool and I have been on similar wavelengths this week cause my post is gonna be mighty similar to hers.

But back to my thoughts. I have been neglecting my blog unfortunately because I have been so busy. I think many of my friends/coworkers/relatives here in Miami are beginning to think I am using my thesis as a constant excuse to not hang out and work (I did kinda take a day off to have a library day). I assure you, my thesis really has consumed my life this past semester, especially in the past month or so. So now I have a mini break from it while I wait to get it approved, which means I have some time for friends, family, me-time, and reflection.

I've had many nights like this

May 9th marked the end of my career as a Master’s level student (with the exception of the thesis, which will hopefully be done by August, fingers crossed). And with this ending, I now am constantly being asked “So what are you plans? Do you have a job/internship? Are you going on to get your Ph.D?” I’m not gonna lie, I’m beginning to dread this conversation. Why, you ask? Because my answers are not what I want them to be. “I don’t have plans. I don’t have a job/internship lined up. And yes I do hope to begin a Ph.D program next year, but that depends on if I raise my GRE score and find a faculty member who has similar research interests as me at a school that I want to attend”. Sadly, a year ago if you had asked me those same questions, my answers would have been different: ” Why yes, I plan to do a study abroad program in Argentina or Costa Rica for a year. The programs I am looking at include internship options and will allow me to study Spanish at the same time. And when I get back I will begin my Ph.D program, hopefully at UM.” See the major difference there? I’m finding myself in a bit of a difficult position because for the first time ever, I don’t have a plan for my life.

In the past, I had a very specific plan for my life. I was going to get my Bachelor’s degree in Athletic Training in 4 years (which I did do). Then I was going to get my Master’s degree in AT in 2 years. This would mean I would begin my career by the age of 24. I would find my future husband (which was another separate list itself) by the age of 25. Be married (again the details of the wedding is another list) around age 26-27 and have my first child (a boy) at 28 or 29 and my second (a girl) 2 years later. I would work part time until the kids were old enough to start pre-k. And then I would live happily ever after in my beautiful house in the suburbs somewhere in the South. Both of my kids would go off to college on full scholarships and whatever other cliches you can think of. And I would still find time to check off all of the items on my bucket list.

So do you hear God laughin at me? Cause I do.

I’ll be 24 in October. And while I do have my Bachelor’s degree and my Master’s degree so close I can taste it, I won’t be starting a career anytime soon and I likely won’t be done with my Ph.D before I turn 28. I’m not gonna lie though, the thought that I won’t be done with school before my 28th birthday does make me cringe occasionally.

Aww poor kitty...I kinda know how you feel

The lesson that I am learning now is that life doesn’t always go according to plan. No matter how many lists I make, I will never know what is gonna happen in my future. I understand the importance of goals and will not be getting rid of those, but I am accepting that my goals will be met  when the time is right and not when I want them to be met. Right now, I have no idea where I am going to be this time next year, physically, mentally, or emotionally. I’ve had to learn to just go with it. And for someone like me, whose relationship with God is constantly being worked on, that can be very stressful. I’m not as positive thinking as a lot of other people and I’m not always as confident in God’s ability as I should be, but at the end of the day I’m constantly trying to grow. I am beginning to accept that I have to let life take me where it will and that the details will fall into place. I am looking forward to the adventure of learning more about myself as everything unfolds. And while some of my plans remain intact (like my wedding day, if and whenever that may be), others have changed drastically (the specifics of my Mr. Right). But at the end of the day, I’m learnin to go with the flow.

Wise words to live by