From my heart to yours

Posts Tagged ‘Damaged

I ruined a good date last night. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to call or text or want anything to do with me. And I can’t say I blame him, hell if I were him I’d run too. No pause. No hesitation. No looking back. Because in all reality, no one really wants to deal with someone who’s damaged.
And that’s exactly what I am. I’m damaged. Not because I’ve had terrible relationships. I’ve never been raped or attacked (although technically I have been sexually harassed but that incident never kept me up at night). I don’t have any traumatic stories to tell that explain why I am damaged. So last night when I found myself sabotaging a good thing and crying about it I had to do some soul searching.
And as my tears washed down the shower drain it occurred to me that the reason I am damaged is because I am not used to having a man be so attentive to me.
Do you need me to run that back for you? I had a panic attack and made a great guy feel terrible because he LIKES me! Because for many reasons that I’m not going to get into, I feel like I am not worthy of being liked and cared for. I am not that girl who guys adore and desire, it’s not my role and I’ve always played my role well. Good friend, little sister, I’ve got those perfected. Girlfriend, lover, not so much. I learned not to get excited about a man and to keep my feelings in check. I simply don’t allow myself that pleasure.
I freaked out because the idea that he wanted me to be more than a friend was inconceivable to me. I also couldn’t handle that I was excited about him and by him. So I sabotaged, my body physically would not handle this attention and I made him feel bad and I ran. I literally flopped out of his car with all of my things and ran in my 4 inch heels to my apartment. Because that was easier than accepting that maybe he really does like me and want to be with me.
And now I feel sick, physically ill because of how ridiculous this situation is. All I want to do is rewind to before our date and start over. But there are no do overs and now I have to wait for hin to work through it all.
I hope he calls, I apologized and now I’m giving him his space because I’m sure he’s trying to figure out what the hell he’s gotten himself into. He’s a good guy, certainly the best that I’ve dealt with, probably ever. So I hope he’s willing to handle a damaged, emotional mess like me.