From my heart to yours

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships

I believe in the magic of first kisses,

In the innocence of holding hands,

In the excitement of kissing until my breath is taken away.

I believe in the comfort of curling up in his arms after a long day,

In the joy of joy of listening to his heart beat through his chest,

In the bliss of realizing that he is mine.

I believe in fairytales;

Not the ones that Disney wrote.

I believe in my own.

In my fairytale he is my King, not simply my prince,

With his perfectly melanated skin,

His full lips,

His tangled curls,

His deeply smooth voice that intoxicates my soul.

He is my fairytale.

He is my dream.

I will give him my whole heart willingly.

Waiting on my King.

I am an over-lover. I  use the word love like it was candy to be given out to any and everyone who is nice to me. My love is not always reserved for those who earn, it is often given freely and openly to all who I encounter. A guy I used to date called me a hippie and I wore that title proudly. I am a lover, never a fighter and that is not going to change anytime soon. In high school my over loving bit me in the ass. I gave my heart to the guy I “loved” because, you know, high school love. It was the most embarrassing situation I have ever been in. I gave my love to a guy who in return either degraded me or encouraged those who degraded me. I was left broken, rejected and hating myself. What I learned from that situation was that was not love.

The house I grew up in was complete with fake love. It was like a television show, false pretenses and declarations of love in front of others, a war and infidelity behind closed doors. It came as no surprise to me when my aunt and uncle divorced after witnessing this behavior for years. And of course, knowing how the relationship between my parents came to end made love seem dismal. Knowing that my mom gave years of herself, sacrificing and putting up with dumb shit from my dad, all in the name of love, only to get left for a  woman who could not compare, crushes me.

I’m saying all of this to say that I haven’t had the best examples of what love should look like. The only romantic love that I have given and received was of the tragic high school sort and did not end well for me. So when I was left figuring out my feelings for a man that I recently split from, I was confused. I don’t want to say that I love him, because that is a word that I am afraid to use now and because I’m not sure it was. But I do know that he is a man that I could have grown to love, but I’ll come back to this later.

I recently asked some people how they knew they were in love. I didn’t get some responses, mostly because the question was so heavy. But the ones I did get were insightful. What it came down to was you know when you put that person’s needs above your own. That person becomes a part of your life. And as we grow older and wiser, that love changes for each of us.

post-image

From Diary of a Mad Black Woman

The quote above is probably one of my favorite descriptions of love. It is beautiful and heartfelt.

723783aa4072e831254c1dfc93f16459I found the quote from Poussey floating around on twitter and thought it was a sweet example also.

Through all of my thinking and over thinking, what I have decided is that my love has grown immensely from high school. I have learned not to give it away completely without it being earned. I have a better understanding of what my love actually feels and looks like.

I asked myself again today if I loved him and I know the answer changed a lot. I loved being with him. I loved the way I felt when I was with him. I loved that he helped me feel confident about myself and that he encouraged and supported me in every way I needed. I loved that we could spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing excepting listening to music from the 90s and it would be absolutely perfect. I loved the way my skin felt on fire when he touched me. I loved so many things about him that even now, after the bullshit ending to us, I pray for him and his well being. I hope that he is well and happy. I miss his voice and his kiss and I feel like a small part of me is missing. So I guess that I did love him in a way. I think I was starting to love him. And that explains why it has been so hard to move on. But I have comfort in knowing that I get to look forward to a great love. A love that won’t hurt. A love that will last. I just got a small taste of what that can feel like and as I put myself back together, I know that my love will be great. I am so excited to grow in love with someone who deserves my love and to know that it is returned.

 

I enjoy my solitude

Oftentimes more than I enjoy company.

So I took a chance letting you in.

I exposed you to my intricacies

Intimacies

My insecurities.

And you fit right in.

Comfortable.

 

I laid myself bare,

In more ways than one.

Exposed my body and soul.

Held on tight, hoping you would do the same.

I found myself in a place brand new to me,

Relinquishing the comfort of my solitude.

I wanted to welcome you in more.

Comfortable.

 

You became a part of me.

Taught me to be brave in my skin.

Showered in your delicious kisses,

I found my voice.

In your arms I felt strong,

Warm,

And cared for.

Comfortable

I ruined a good date last night. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to call or text or want anything to do with me. And I can’t say I blame him, hell if I were him I’d run too. No pause. No hesitation. No looking back. Because in all reality, no one really wants to deal with someone who’s damaged.
And that’s exactly what I am. I’m damaged. Not because I’ve had terrible relationships. I’ve never been raped or attacked (although technically I have been sexually harassed but that incident never kept me up at night). I don’t have any traumatic stories to tell that explain why I am damaged. So last night when I found myself sabotaging a good thing and crying about it I had to do some soul searching.
And as my tears washed down the shower drain it occurred to me that the reason I am damaged is because I am not used to having a man be so attentive to me.
Do you need me to run that back for you? I had a panic attack and made a great guy feel terrible because he LIKES me! Because for many reasons that I’m not going to get into, I feel like I am not worthy of being liked and cared for. I am not that girl who guys adore and desire, it’s not my role and I’ve always played my role well. Good friend, little sister, I’ve got those perfected. Girlfriend, lover, not so much. I learned not to get excited about a man and to keep my feelings in check. I simply don’t allow myself that pleasure.
I freaked out because the idea that he wanted me to be more than a friend was inconceivable to me. I also couldn’t handle that I was excited about him and by him. So I sabotaged, my body physically would not handle this attention and I made him feel bad and I ran. I literally flopped out of his car with all of my things and ran in my 4 inch heels to my apartment. Because that was easier than accepting that maybe he really does like me and want to be with me.
And now I feel sick, physically ill because of how ridiculous this situation is. All I want to do is rewind to before our date and start over. But there are no do overs and now I have to wait for hin to work through it all.
I hope he calls, I apologized and now I’m giving him his space because I’m sure he’s trying to figure out what the hell he’s gotten himself into. He’s a good guy, certainly the best that I’ve dealt with, probably ever. So I hope he’s willing to handle a damaged, emotional mess like me.

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend a couple of weeks ago. We talked about whether we would rather tell a close friend that we had intimate feelings for them or not. Would we be willing to risk losing the friendship because we confided our feelings to them or do we just suffer silently as they talk about other love interests and go on not knowing how we really feel.

This is a tough one for me. I  lost a close friend because of a situation like this. We were friends, in fact, he was my closest guy friend. I told him I had feelings for him. At the time he didn’t have feelings for me, but it was out on the table. Eventually we went out on a couple of dates. But the problem was that we were both too immature in our own ways. He needed the approval of his friends, at my expense. Whether this meant makin fun of me, not standin up for me or lyin on his dick to make himself  look good (why do guys do this? Do they honestly think we won’t find out or care?) I needed to be loved and cared for at his expense (daddy issues made me a very needy girl and when I didn’t get what I needed I took it out on him). But when it was all said and done and we realized that “we” wouldn’t work that was it. And so I lost my friend. The same friend who I used to talk to for hours at a time. The same friend whose mom loves me and whose family I adore. The same friend who I don’t even think I can consider an acquaintance at this point. The only time we talk is when we randomly (and very rarely) find ourselves in the same place.

So what is one to do? Do you tell your friend that you have feelings for them. Then hope that they don’t completely weird out and put a strain on your friendship if they don’t feel the same way. Or maybe they are willing to try the relationship but it turns it that maybe you aren’t as good together as you thought you would be and things end badly. But it could turn out that they were harboring the same feelings and were also worried about your response. Perhaps you could end up bein soul mates and spending the rest of your lives together in your perfect little house with 2 kids, a dog, a cat and a white pocket fence (or whatever your ideal may be).

I think the point here is that anything can happen. That’s the beauty of life: we live each day as explorers in a world of unknowns. All we can do is evaluate and make the best decisions for us. Maybe the best decision for you is to not say anything and spend life wonderin “what if?”. Maybe the best decision is layin it all out on the table. Maybe it involves analyzing the value of your friendship. Maybe it’s about learnin to read your friend to see if maybe he/she feels the same way. Maybe it’s about discovering things about yourself and your willingness to take risks.
I took a risk and lost a friend, but it is not a decision that I regret because in losing him as a friend I learned a lot about myself. And while I miss having him as a friend, I don’t miss the low self esteem that consumed me before. That decision worked for me. I’d like to think that my friendships could stand this situation. I’d also like to think that the decision to confide in your friend is the best decision a person can make. I’d like to believe that you build these relationships with people and that they don’t fall apart because of changed feelings. Chances are that any decision will work for you, but would it be so bad to take a risk? I will say that I may have feelins for a friend. And I haven’t said anything. And that decision has been workin for me. At least for now, maybe one day i’ll think that the timing is right and then who knows what could happen.

Thoughts…