From my heart to yours

Posts Tagged ‘teenage love

I am an over-lover. I  use the word love like it was candy to be given out to any and everyone who is nice to me. My love is not always reserved for those who earn, it is often given freely and openly to all who I encounter. A guy I used to date called me a hippie and I wore that title proudly. I am a lover, never a fighter and that is not going to change anytime soon. In high school my over loving bit me in the ass. I gave my heart to the guy I “loved” because, you know, high school love. It was the most embarrassing situation I have ever been in. I gave my love to a guy who in return either degraded me or encouraged those who degraded me. I was left broken, rejected and hating myself. What I learned from that situation was that was not love.

The house I grew up in was complete with fake love. It was like a television show, false pretenses and declarations of love in front of others, a war and infidelity behind closed doors. It came as no surprise to me when my aunt and uncle divorced after witnessing this behavior for years. And of course, knowing how the relationship between my parents came to end made love seem dismal. Knowing that my mom gave years of herself, sacrificing and putting up with dumb shit from my dad, all in the name of love, only to get left for a  woman who could not compare, crushes me.

I’m saying all of this to say that I haven’t had the best examples of what love should look like. The only romantic love that I have given and received was of the tragic high school sort and did not end well for me. So when I was left figuring out my feelings for a man that I recently split from, I was confused. I don’t want to say that I love him, because that is a word that I am afraid to use now and because I’m not sure it was. But I do know that he is a man that I could have grown to love, but I’ll come back to this later.

I recently asked some people how they knew they were in love. I didn’t get some responses, mostly because the question was so heavy. But the ones I did get were insightful. What it came down to was you know when you put that person’s needs above your own. That person becomes a part of your life. And as we grow older and wiser, that love changes for each of us.

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From Diary of a Mad Black Woman

The quote above is probably one of my favorite descriptions of love. It is beautiful and heartfelt.

723783aa4072e831254c1dfc93f16459I found the quote from Poussey floating around on twitter and thought it was a sweet example also.

Through all of my thinking and over thinking, what I have decided is that my love has grown immensely from high school. I have learned not to give it away completely without it being earned. I have a better understanding of what my love actually feels and looks like.

I asked myself again today if I loved him and I know the answer changed a lot. I loved being with him. I loved the way I felt when I was with him. I loved that he helped me feel confident about myself and that he encouraged and supported me in every way I needed. I loved that we could spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing excepting listening to music from the 90s and it would be absolutely perfect. I loved the way my skin felt on fire when he touched me. I loved so many things about him that even now, after the bullshit ending to us, I pray for him and his well being. I hope that he is well and happy. I miss his voice and his kiss and I feel like a small part of me is missing. So I guess that I did love him in a way. I think I was starting to love him. And that explains why it has been so hard to move on. But I have comfort in knowing that I get to look forward to a great love. A love that won’t hurt. A love that will last. I just got a small taste of what that can feel like and as I put myself back together, I know that my love will be great. I am so excited to grow in love with someone who deserves my love and to know that it is returned.